


What I Should’ve Said

by jsikook



Category: Stray Kids
Genre: Angst, Arguments, Character Death, Depression, Fights, Guilt, M/M, Oneshot, Post-Canon, hyunjin is a concerned boyfriend, seungmin is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:48:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23483341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jsikook/pseuds/jsikook
Summary: “if i could rewind time.i’d go back, and change everything.”
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 27





	What I Should’ve Said

Seungmin stared blankly at the plain, bland wall across from him. He was sitting down on the ground, his knees curled to his chest. The room was dimly lit, only a crack of sunlight seeping in through the blinds of the windows. It was almost dead silent, the atmosphere slightly eerie. Downstairs, the boy could hear his parents yelling back and forth at each other. They tore at one another's throats, throwing horrible insults between them. 

Seungmin felt empty.

He should've been used to it now – the fighting. But it never failed to trigger his emotions, making him a mess inside. Was is possible to feel nothing and everything at the same time?

He took an unsteady breath, letting his eyes flutter shut. He wanted it to stop. Everything. He wanted to shut out the yells of his parents, and the pain in his heart. Seungmin hated this; living his life like this everyday. But it never stopped. No matter how hard he tried to ignore it, it was always there with him - that demon inside of his head. It ate away at his brain, feeding him toxic thoughts and telling him that he was worthless. Seungmin was never one-hundred percent happy. There was always that darkness inside of him, lingering there. It followed him everywhere, never leaving his side. Sometimes he thought the world was against him. I'm not a bad child, he thought. So why did I have such an unbearable life? 

He was exhausted – tired of waking up everyday and going through the same shit over and over again. It was like his life was a repetitive cycle - get up, go to school, work, cry, go back to sleep and then repeat. He wondered if things would ever get better. But then he remembered that he had lost hope a long time ago, it was buried deep inside of him, kept away in a safe that was locked tightly. He had come to terms with the fact that nothing would ever go his way. He despised it, but it was the reality.

Perhaps the only light in his life was his boyfriend, Hyunjin. He had found the younger boy in a time where he was struggling, and barely holding on. Hyunjin was extremely sweet, and caring - only wanting the best for Seungmin. He was absolutely thankful to the other, always finding a way to make him laugh. As Seungmin thought about it, the only times that he was almost all the way happy was when he was with his boyfriend.

They always had a fun time together, and the older knew what Seungmin was going through so he was always careful and patient with him.

But things had took a bad turn recently. Seungmin's depression has gotten way worse - the effects of it where him not leaving his house, or even his bed, missing school and not talking to his boyfriend as much. Whenever Hyunjin tried to reach out to the younger, and ask if he was okay, he would always get defense and say that "he couldn't talk right now." Hyunjin worried deeply about him, always feeling anxious when Seungmin didn't pick up the phone or was M.I.A. The only thing that he ever wanted to see was his boyfriend with a huge, bright smile on his face. Of course, he didn't understand fully what the younger was feeling but he knew that he couldn't blame Seungmin. It was that horrible, horrible demon eating him away inside that made him act the way he did.

Seungmin cringed as he felt a cold tear roll down his cheek silently. He hated crying - it made him feel weak and pathetic even though he knew there was nothing wrong with it. It was times like these - when he was alone and stuck in his own thoughts - that where the worse. No one was there to distract him from his mind - the most deadly thing apart of him. He soaked in the emptiness he felt, trying to become content with it.

He was snapped out of his thoughts when the phone rang. He opened his eyes suddenly, turning his head slowly and looking down at the illuminated screen of his cellphone. It read "Hyunjin💗" across it in big letters.

Seungmin sighed, not feeling like speaking to anyone right now. He was too tired, his eyes barely staying open. He couldn't bring himself to move his arm and grab the phone.

The ring stopped after a while and Seungmin let out a breath of relief. But that was short lived because only 10 seconds after, the phone started to ring again.

He sighed loudly, feeling annoyed at the horrid sound. He just wanted to be left alone - it was nothing personal. He hated feeling this way, but he couldn't prevent it. Coming to the conclusion that Hyunjin would never leave him alone unless he answered, he yawned and reached out to grab his phone. His muscles aches as he did so, tense from staying in the same position for a long amount of time.

”Hello?," he said, his voice hoarse and empty sounding as he spoke. He tried to hold he phone up to his hand without shaking.

Hyunjin gasped on the other line. "Seungmin?," he asked, sounding somewhat surprised.

Seungmin was confused as to why Hyunjin was so shocked that it was him. I mean, the older had called him, so obviously, it would be him.

”Yeah, it's me," he responded, dumbfounded. "Why do you sound so shocked?"

Hyunjin sighed on the other line. "I've called you like twenty times, and you haven't picked up," he said, his voice stern, "I was worried sick."

”What?," Seungmin asked, completely and utterly confused. He hadn't remembered his boyfriend calling him that many times.

In confusion, he took the phone away from his ear and looked at his missed calls quickly. It read "24 missed calls from Hyunjin💗." The younger furrowed his eyebrows in bewilderment. He hadn't even received any of these, so why were they showing up? Was his phone broken? Or maybe he was just in too deep of a trance to notice... sometimes he got like that. His thoughts were too powerful in his mind, blocking out everything around him.

”Oh...," he muttered when he put the phone back up to his ear. "I must've been drifting off... I'm sorry." He was shocked at his actions. Had it really gotten that bad?

”Are you at your house right now?," He asked, worry rising in his voice. "Are you okay?"

”Yes... and I am perfectly fine," Seungmin lied, trying to reassure the older. He hated seeing people worry about him, especially if it was his boyfriend. "Don't worry about me, okay? I'm just a little tired..."

”How can I not worry about you when you keep distancing yourself away from me? I hate seeing you like this, Seungmin."

The younger boy sighed, closing his eyes slowly, trying to calm himself down. "I hate seeing me like this too, Hyunjin. But I can't help it...," He said, starting to feel a little guilty. He realized that he was making his boyfriend upset, and he felt responsible for it.

”I'm outside your house," Hyunjin says suddenly, and Seungmin's heart rate increases. "I'm coming in now."

Seungmin tries to protest over the phone, but the older is already hanging up. He starts to slightly panic, not wanting Hyunjin to see him in the state that he's in. He had told him that he was fine but, he was indeed not. He tried to wipe away the tears in his eyes, and his skin burned from where his sweater rubbed against it relentlessly.

He hears a loud knock on his bedroom door, and before he knows it, Hyunjin is walking into the room.

Seungmin stands up abruptly when he sees his boyfriend, trying to ignore the stinging pain in his joints. He feels vulnerable all the sudden, tears still prickling at his eyes despite his efforts to make them stop.

Hyunjin walks towards him, his eyes full of concern of worry for the younger. "Are you okay?," he asks, his voice cautious and careful. "And don't try to lie, because I can tell that you've been crying."

Seungmin stands with his mouth slightly open, looking off to the side. He doesn't know what to say, feeling exposed. He hates being weak in front of other people, but he is anything but strong right now. "Everything's okay," he lies straight through his teeth, "I swear, Hyunjin."

Hyunjin sighs, looking at him sadly. Seungmin can tell that he's getting impatient with him. "Stop," he states, shaking his head. "Stop lying to me, Seungmin. I... I can't stand this. Not knowing what you're going through. You have to tell me so I can help you," he says, starting to get worked up. He runs a hand through his hair stressfully.

To many emotions run through Seungmin's mind. His thoughts are starting to darken - the demon in the back of his head shouting stuff at him, calling him names. "I can't help it, okay?," he exclaims, getting frustrated. "You don't think I'm fucking mad too? I hate this!"

Hyunjin sighs, realizing that he had probably went to far. He should understand what Seungmin was going through. "I'm sorry," he apologizes, his voice lowering for a second. "But I'm just worried about you. I can't help that either! I mean, you disappear for like a week and don't talk to me, what am I suppose to do?," he says sternly, raising his voice.

”Well I'm fucking sorry that I'm depressed as hell and don't feel like talking to anyone!," Seungmin yells back at him, throwing his hands out in frustration. He doesn't know where the sudden surge of anger came from. Tears start to run down his cheeks, pouring from his eyes as he feels his armor that he put up around himself decomposing. "I-I don't know what I did to deserve this! I guess I'm just a shitty, horrible person because that's the only explanation I can think of!"

Hyunjin stares at him in shock, surprised at his sudden break down. His own eyes start to water as he watches his boyfriend sob right in front of him. "Seungmin...," he whispers, all anger wiped from his system, "Don't talk about yourself like that."

Seungmin groaned, holding his hands up to his hair anxiously and pulling at it. Tears unforgivingly roll down his eyes, making his shirt become wet. "You don't understand! Don't even try to act like you do," he exclaims, not being able to contain his anger. He's not even mad at Hyunjin, for the older male hasn't even done anything, he's mad at himself. "Leave me alone! I don't want your help. I don't need it!"

Hyunjin stares back at him, eyes wide and mouth agape with shock. He felt horrible - looking at how sad and broken his boyfriend was. It devastated him inside. "Seungmin...," he whispered, not finding anything else to say.

”Stop!," the younger yelled at him, tears rolling down his cheeks - dripping down his chin. His mind was a disarray of toxic thoughts, and they swam around inside of his head dangerously. "Stop worrying about me, okay? I'm fine! Quit bugging me 24/7, you're so annoying! Do you just see me as someone who is complete broken inside?," he cried, his voice cracking. He knew that his parents probably heard him from downstairs, but he didn't care. He couldn't focus on anything expect the raging feelings inside of him.

Words couldn't find Hyunjin. He stood in front of Seungmin, staring down at him - completely hopeless. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to help him so badly, but nothing seemed to make the younger feel better. He hiccuped as cries escaped him. His cheeks were stained with tears. "That's really how you feel, huh?," he asked Seungmin, his voice barely a whisper.

”Yes!," the shorter boy yelled back at him. "Now leave! I don't want to hear your voice or see your face right now!," he exclaimed, not being able to meet Hyunjin's eyes. He knew that he was being somewhat unreasonable but his emotions got the best of him.

It was silent for a moment, the only sound was the loud breath coming from Seungmin - who had been yelling just a minute ago. The air in the room was tense - the two of them just staring each other off.

After a moment, Hyunjin fake laughed lightly and nodded his head, "...Okay," he muttered, his voice soft and weak.

And with that, he left the room. Leaving Seungmin standing right there staring at the empty space where his boyfriend had just stood. He tried to calm himself down, wiping at his eyes but it just ended up in him sobbing even more.

He felt empty, and he was sure now that he had lost all hope.

***

When Seungmin woke up the next morning, he immediately felt like shit. He recalled the fight him and Hyunjin had yesterday, and groaned. He felt extremely guilty for yelling at him like that. After all, his boyfriend only cared about him and was looking after him. And Seungmin just snapped at him out of nowhere.

The memory of his disappointed, teary-eyed face flashed into the boy's mind. His heart wrenched at the thought of ever hurting him. Hyunjin was undeniably the only person who made Seungmin happy, and he was starting to push him away. He hated himself for that.

He yawned, and stared up at the ceiling. Another day, he thought to himself. He just woke up, but he was already exhausted. Seungmin knew that this day would be the same as every other day. He was tired of this never-ending cycle. He felt like he was on autopilot, just doing things without thinking about them.

He glanced over at his nightstand where his phone sat, and reached out to grab it. The boy tried to ignore the disappointment as he saw that he got no messages or calls from Hyunjin.

He wanted to make things right again. He didn't like fighting with his boyfriend, when he was the only who made him feel any sort of happiness. He knew that he seriously fucked up yesterday when yelling at Hyunjin. Besides, what the older boy had said wasn't false. It was true that Seungmin needed to stop thinking badly about himself, and stop ignoring Hyunjin.

From this day on, he wanted things to get better. 

Before he could talk himself out of it, he clicked on his boyfriend's contact name and called him. He didn't answer. He called again. No answer. Maybe the 3rd time will work? Nothing. Seungmin continued to try and contact Hyunjin but no luck. He didn't pick up any of the times.

Seungmin frowned, looking down at his phone. Maybe Hyunjin wasn't up yet... but he knew that the older male was probably mad at him and that's why he didn't answer. He hated himself for doing that to his boyfriend yesterday, and felt sad that Hyunjin wasn't picking up. But he knew that he had a right to be mad. What he said was totally uncalled for and he overreacted big time.

She had a frown on her face as if she was sad about something. She looked almost guilty as she walked towards my bed and sat down quietly on the edge of it.

Seungmin was shocked. He had never seen his mother look so pitiful. It was a new sight to him. And his mom barely even payed attention to her son so he was wondering why she had entered his room so early in the morning. He looked at her like she was crazy, since she had never done this type of thing before.

”...Seungmin," she speaks up, reaching out and grabbing ahold of the boy's hand - gently laying hers on top of it. The feeling of his mother being so tender, and sweet was foreign to him. "Sweetie."

”What?...," he asked, looking down our their hands - feeling weird by their sudden contact.

She sighed, looking down at the bedspread. His mom looked extremely disheartened, her eyes tired and frowning.

”Why are you acting so weird, mom?"

She looked at him, and took a deep breath. "...Honey... it's about Hyunjin," she hesitated, her voice softening. She looked at him sympathetically.

Seungmin's parents knew about him and Hyunjin and both of them really didn't care about what he did with his life as long as it wasn't effecting them. His mother actually used to be really good friends with Hyunjin's mom but as time went by, they drifted apart.

Confusion rose inside of Seungmin's mind. "Hyunjin?," he asked, "What about him?" He felt guilty talking about him, knowing that he had caused him pain yesterday. He made a mental note in his head to go and make up with Hyunjin in person later.

His mother took another unsteady breath, unable to met her son's lingering gaze.

”Mom?"

She scooted closer to him on the bed, and slowly reached up to lay her hand on the side of his face. Her fingers were stone cold, making him shiver. Her eyes were glazed over, tears hinting at them. He was shocked to see his mom looking at him so... lovingly. It felt odd to Seungmin.

”He... passed away last night.

Seungmin's heart immediately sunk. It was like something sharp was tugging and poking at his heart string's. No, he thought. This can't be happening. This isn't true. Hyunjin was just fine yesterday... he couldn't be dead! Seungmin was gonna apologize and make up with him today - he couldn't be gone. The fight they had flashed through his mind, and he cursed himself for it.

”No," he said, tears already rolling down his eyes. It was as if he could hear his own heart breaking to pieces as every second pass by. "No. You're lying."

”Seungmin-," she started to say holding on his face more tightly. His mother's eyes softened, looking at him sadly.

He slapped her hand away from his cheeks, causing it to leave a red mark on the back of her fist. His vision was blurry from how watery his eyes where. Tears dropped down his eyes, rolling down to his cheeks and running off his face. He looked like a mess on the outside, but his thoughts were even more messy. He couldn't process it. This couldn't be happening.

”You're lying!," he sobbed, getting up from his spot on the bed abruptly, causing his mom to stand up as well. "He's not dead!" He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it.

”Seungmin, sweetie...," she said, her voice cracking. She started to silently cry as well, seeing her son in this broken down state. "I wish I was lying," she whispered, shaking her head. "This morning I got a call from his mother... she told me that Hyunjin has passed away early this morning... he-he got hit by a drunk driver late last night and was taken to the hospital. B-but... he didn't... make it."

”No," Seungmin muttered over and over again, running his hands through his hair, tugging at it. He paced around the room, sobs leaving his body. This couldn't be true. Hyunjin was just here yesterday. "No! No! He's not dead! He... he can't be!...," the boy yelled at his mother. He knew that his mom wasn't the one to blame, but he needed to take his anger and pain out on someone. He felt helpless, despair filling the inside of his stomach.

”Sweetie, I'm so sorry..."

”Oh my god...," he whispers, feeling himself on the brink of a panic attack. His breathing became uneven, and his chest started to hurt. "H-he can't be dead!," he yelled loudly. He was sure that anyone in a 2 mile radius could hear how loud his cries were. He shook his head violently, starting to hit his chest over and over again. The pain in his heart stung, spreading throughout his body.

His mother quickly walked in his direction and wrapped her arms around her son's body - embracing him extremely tightly. She usually wasn't the type to be touchy with her son, but she hated seeing him like this. She stroked his hair gently, "Everything's gonna be alright...," she whispered into his chest, even though she had a hard time believing it herself.

He could barely focus on what his mom was saying as a million thoughts raced through his mind. He wanted to rip his mother off of him, but he was too weak to move. Sobs shook his body violently. He hiccuped unforgivingly, as tears stained his clothes.

Is this what heartbreak felt like? Absolute hopefulness, and despair. He hated himself... no despised himself. The memory of him yelling at Hyunjin and telling him that he was annoying and to leave him alone flashed a thousand times in his head. The demon inside of him grew, causing darkness and dread to spread through his body and mind. It sat on his shoulders, towering over him as they watched with a wicked smile - happy to see him in pain.

He had never got the chance to say sorry to Hyunjin. The older boy had died thinking that Seungmin was annoyed by him. His heart shattered every time a memory of Hyunjin popped into his head- his smiling face, his unforgettable laughter. The euphoria that Seungmin felt when he was with Hyunjin... everything.

But all of it was gone now.

Hyunjin was gone. And no matter how much Seungmin wanted to believe that it wasn't true didn't take away from the horrid truth - he was dead.

It felt as if a part of himself was being ripped away from his body. He felt empty; half-way full. Hyunjin was the only happiness in the younger boy's life and he was taken away from him within a minute. Everything seemed fine one moment, and then the next - the world fell apart.

His world.

And he knew that things would never be the same again. Seungmin had truly become hopeless. There was no happiness in this world for him. This place was fucked up, and nothing good would ever bless him.

It was in this moment that he realized his life was a bottomless pit, always falling deeper and deeper down into darkness. The demon inside of his own mind was himself.

He was waging a one-man war between his own consciousness, and he would never win.

He believed that his own mind, and heart died that day as well. And he would never be able to feel the same way again.


End file.
